Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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