Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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