you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
