Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
