It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You pole danced in your parka.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
