Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
and she was petting her beer can
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
