I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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