dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
