i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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