I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
