Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
