i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
