doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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