i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
