i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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