Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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