Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
