This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
