I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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