Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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