dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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