I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
