he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
