I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
sarcasm needs its own font
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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