My friends, they love my intelligence
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
