I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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