I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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