i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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