I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
