There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
