my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
