The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
