wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
