Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
