You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
