so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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