I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just invented taco cereal.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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