Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
