hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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