We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
