i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
