i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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