I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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