Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
