No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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