you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
