I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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