he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
