last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My vagina is officially offended.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
