i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Operation Purity has been aborted
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
