Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
please come you make the beer taste better
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
